The Eyes Of a Shinigami
by Nate Winchester
Summary: BBxNear
1. Prologue

As I looked at Beyond Birthday in the eyes this morning I realised that the only logical conclusion was I was in love with him. I know a lot about love. Well, the technicality of love. I have learned much through reading books and watching films. I even have had first-hand experience of it by watching my roommates, Matt and Mello for many years. But, before that moment, I had never felt it. But I knew enough to diagnose the symptoms. Sweaty and nervous but comfortable in his presence. I think about him. A lot. And I feel things around him… I don't like feeling things, not usually. Feeling things has always brought me pain in the past yet, somehow, this is different- a good different. I feel a fluttering sensation in my chest and his every touch makes me feel more alive- more real- for an instant. Not that he touches me much. Or notices me at all really. Not until this morning, all of a sudden it feels like everything has changed between us: he sees me now and I intend to make use of my sudden visibility.


	2. Chapter 1

I appear to have gotten ahead of myself, as I often do when telling stories. It's not my strong point- story telling. So… back to this morning. You could say that the past few years of my life have been leading up to the moment when I first really met Beyond Birthday. We have lived in the same house, with the same since I was a small child but we haven't really spoken. He was so much older than me and besides, neither of us have a habit of socialising with anyone let alone each other. But many small events lead up to our eyes interlocking as he held his hand- sticky- out to help me up from the ground and I can clearly see a map of events set in place by fate to cause our meeting on that day.

It all began on the day I came to Wammys house. Technically, as far as the government are concerned that is the day I died and death has set me free as much as it has confined me. You see, of the children at Wammys there are the 'official' children, intelligent- geniuses even- but not nearly good enough to dream of becoming L. They exist purely to screen the true purpose of the orphanage, to guide the chosen few who are in the running to succeed L. Half of the children at Wammy's House do not exist. I digress, the day I came to Wammy's was also the day I met Mello. This was before rankings, before competition, before hatred. We were made roommates simply because we were males of a similar age, that was enough (he is in fact two years older than me but that fact was not discovered until we had 'settled in' Mello had lied about his age to the authorities to avoid a jail sentence before Watari had found him and had continued to do so believing Watari was a government spy bent on capturing him) we were also told that we were to have a third roommate who would be arriving later than the rest of the children due to hospitalisation. For two weeks, although no one would believe it now, I was actually friends with Mello. Well, about as close to friends as two traumatised children can be- in the years since Mello has often accused me of being cold and detached but he fails to remember that all those years ago it was a trait he commended. Mello forgets many things that are convenient for him. I have Mello tell Matt many times how he fell in love with him at first sight and I don't doubt he did.

The morning of Matt's arrival Rodger called Mello and I into his office to warn us of the boys arrival and Mello had joked that he would now be ditching me for the new kid but, to his credit, he didn't. Not right away. Matt arrived late in the afternoon, we were all in our rooms for 'thinking time' which for Mello and I was chocolate and Lego time. He burst through the door, eyes locked on the games console in his hand. He looked a mess. His brown hair was cut choppily, revealing angrily red- and fresh- burn scars across his forehead, the goggles for which he is known at Wammy's were covering his eyes and he had bandages covering his hands and forearms. I have never blamed him for what happened next. Because he wasn't really concentrating, because he was focussing mainly on his game, because I can imagine those goggles impair his sight at least slightly, because I was sat on my bed which was tucked in the corner away from sight while Mello was right in his eye line and because I was white and so was everything else. I have never blamed him for not noticing me. He wasn't the first but I am bitter because that moment is pivotal in my coming invisibility. He looked up from his game for an instant and flashed Mello a grin "So you're my roommate." How could Mello not fall in love? How could his attention not be captured by the Messy, distracted, grinning boy who had just entered his room and his life? How could he not forget about me and reply instantly, "Sure am, I'm Mello… well I am now anyway." The new names had been a joke from the start, everyone was trying to get used to them. "Matt." He replied, shutting the door behind him and going to sit on the last remaining bed, still not noticing me. "Whatcha playing?" Mello asked, I could see he was desperate to continue the conversation because I had not once seen Mello give a shit about video games. Matt was just opening his mouth to reply when the dinner bell rang, instead he rose an eyebrow at Mello, "Dinner Bell." Mello sighed, rolling his eyes while getting up from his bed and ushering Matt out the room, letting the door bang behind him.

In coming years I came to appreciate the perks of virtual invisibility but I'll admit, at age five walking into the dining hall and seeing the only person I had considered a friend sitting and laughing with a bunch of people who were distinctly not me I was upset. But I didn't show it. The mask descended, like it did whenever I was sad or hurt but this time it was going to stay indefinitely. The table Mello sat at was full and there was only one other that had any spare seats, Beyond's. No one ever sat with B because of his strange eating habits and he was, by far, the oldest of all of us. I was five but most of the children were around Mello's age. Beyond was ten but he already looked about fifteen, tall with wild hair and dark circles under his eyes. I'll admit, in that moment I was afraid of B. He had a wild look in his eyes- like he had nothing to lose- and the strawberry jam dripping down his chin onto his shirt looked disturbingly like blood. "Don't be afraid, Natie." He grinned wildly, as he whispered at me under his breath. His words only served to frighten me more, how could he have known my true name? I thought at first there may have been some sort of database containing such information or that Rodger would have files in his office but neither of those is true. Not even Rodger knows our true identities, only Watari and possibly L. I am still unsure how B came to know my real name and it is very unlikely he had a 'lucky' guess. It is possible I misheard in my heightened state of emotion or that I have misremembered but there is only a 3% chance I misheard and less than a 1% chance I am misremembering. With all facts taken into account I have no idea how Beyond Birthday happens to know my name, nor do I care to find out.

I appear to have gotten ahead of myself, as I often do when telling stories. It's not my strong point- story telling. So… back to this morning. You could say that the past few years of my life have been leading up to the moment when I first really met Beyond Birthday. We have lived in the same house, with the same since I was a small child but we haven't really spoken. He was so much older than me and besides, neither of us have a habit of socialising with anyone let alone each other. But many small events lead up to our eyes interlocking as he held his hand- sticky- out to help me up from the ground and I can clearly see a map of events set in place by fate to cause our meeting on that day.

It all began on the day I came to Wammys house. Technically, as far as the government are concerned that is the day I died and death has set me free as much as it has confined me. You see, of the children at Wammys there are the 'official' children, intelligent- geniuses even- but not nearly good enough to dream of becoming L. They exist purely to screen the true purpose of the orphanage, to guide the chosen few who are in the running to succeed L. Half of the children at Wammy's House do not exist. I digress, the day I came to Wammy's was also the day I met Mello. This was before rankings, before competition, before hatred. We were made roommates simply because we were males of a similar age, that was enough (he is in fact two years older than me but that fact was not discovered until we had 'settled in' Mello had lied about his age to the authorities to avoid a jail sentence before Watari had found him and had continued to do so believing Watari was a government spy bent on capturing him) we were also told that we were to have a third roommate who would be arriving later than the rest of the children due to hospitalisation. For two weeks, although no one would believe it now, I was actually friends with Mello. Well, about as close to friends as two traumatised children can be- in the years since Mello has often accused me of being cold and detached but he fails to remember that all those years ago it was a trait he commended. Mello forgets many things that are convenient for him. I have Mello tell Matt many times how he fell in love with him at first sight and I don't doubt he did.

The morning of Matt's arrival Rodger called Mello and I into his office to warn us of the boys arrival and Mello had joked that he would now be ditching me for the new kid but, to his credit, he didn't. Not right away. Matt arrived late in the afternoon, we were all in our rooms for 'thinking time' which for Mello and I was chocolate and Lego time. He burst through the door, eyes locked on the games console in his hand. He looked a mess. His brown hair was cut choppily, revealing angrily red- and fresh- burn scars across his forehead, the goggles for which he is known at Wammy's were covering his eyes and he had bandages covering his hands and forearms. I have never blamed him for what happened next. Because he wasn't really concentrating, because he was focussing mainly on his game, because I can imagine those goggles impair his sight at least slightly, because I was sat on my bed which was tucked in the corner away from sight while Mello was right in his eye line and because I was white and so was everything else. I have never blamed him for not noticing me. He wasn't the first but I am bitter because that moment is pivotal in my coming invisibility. He looked up from his game for an instant and flashed Mello a grin "So you're my roommate." How could Mello not fall in love? How could his attention not be captured by the Messy, distracted, grinning boy who had just entered his room and his life? How could he not forget about me and reply instantly, "Sure am, I'm Mello… well I am now anyway." The new names had been a joke from the start, everyone was trying to get used to them. "Matt." He replied, shutting the door behind him and going to sit on the last remaining bed, still not noticing me. "Whatcha playing?" Mello asked, I could see he was desperate to continue the conversation because I had not once seen Mello give a shit about video games. Matt was just opening his mouth to reply when the dinner bell rang, instead he rose an eyebrow at Mello, "Dinner Bell." Mello sighed, rolling his eyes while getting up from his bed and ushering Matt out the room, letting the door bang behind him.

In coming years I came to appreciate the perks of virtual invisibility but I'll admit, at age five walking into the dining hall and seeing the only person I had considered a friend sitting and laughing with a bunch of people who were distinctly not me I was upset. But I didn't show it. The mask descended, like it did whenever I was sad or hurt but this time it was going to stay indefinitely. The table Mello sat at was full and there was only one other that had any spare seats, Beyond's. No one ever sat with B because of his strange eating habits and he was, by far, the oldest of all of us. I was five but most of the children were around Mello's age. Beyond was ten but he already looked about fifteen, tall with wild hair and dark circles under his eyes. I'll admit, in that moment I was afraid of B. He had a wild look in his eyes- like he had nothing to lose- and the strawberry jam dripping down his chin onto his shirt looked disturbingly like blood. "Don't be afraid, Natie." He grinned wildly, as he whispered at me under his breath. His words only served to frighten me more, how could he have known my true name? I thought at first there may have been some sort of database containing such information or that Rodger would have files in his office but neither of those is true. Not even Rodger knows our true identities, only Watari and possibly L. I am still unsure how B came to know my real name and it is very unlikely he had a 'lucky' guess. It is possible I misheard in my heightened state of emotion or that I have misremembered but there is only a 3% chance I misheard and less than a 1% chance I am misremembering. With all facts taken into account I have no idea how Beyond Birthday happens to know my name, nor do I care to find out.


	3. Chapter 2

Mello mainly forgot about me after that, he and Matt were soon inseparable and it was the only time I have ever seen him truly happy. Good things can never last, at least not for children like us. The first months of our new lives were under constant scrutiny and testing, we even spoke to L via web cam on one occasion. I remember the day the ranks came out with perfect detail, I skipped breakfast (I felt no need to break my fast so early in the morning) and shuffled into lesson late. Many members of the class seemed to be in varying states of disintegration. Several were crying, others yelling and I could not understand why they were acting so absurdly. The teacher, a smiley female who left soon after the event, was curled up in the corner her arms protecting her head from a furious Mello's foot. Only Matt and B seemed to be anything close to their usual states, although Beyond was laughing rather manically so I decided it was best not to approach him. Instead, I went to sit in the chair next to Matt who did not hesitate to speak (after his first day he had been nothing but nice and apologetic about not noticing me) "You missed a lot… the ranks came out." He seemed to find the whole affair somewhat amusing and didn't wait for me to reply "As you can see a lot of people are… unhappy. They all thought they'd be number one…" He trailed off with a sigh and pulled his omnipresent gaming console out of his pocket. I assumed that either Matt or Beyond and gotten the top rank, at that point, and I didn't care enough to find out. I hid under my messy, white fringe and played with my hair waiting for order to reinstate itself.

Eventually, Rodger came down. I imagine that Wammy's has some form of hi-tech CCTV system and that Rodger was watching to whole thing, only coming down to stop it when he got bored. Immediately, he sent Mello and several others out waving his hand lazily to incite silence from the crying children. "Come now, they're only ranks… you all have several years to improve them if you are displeased. This is simply an incentive to work harder than ever…" The wailing continued, if slightly quieter and Matt audibly sighed. "Well, you're all dismissed." Rodger gave another lazy wave of his wrist and exited quicker than anyone else and he was followed by groups of roommates consoling each other. I just couldn't see how all the other kids could care, it was just a stupid rank. Despite this, I waited until everyone else left to check the list which had been pinned to the chalkboard at the front of the class it wasn't that I was expecting to do particularly well, just that if everyone else knew I might as well. I certainly wasn't expecting to be number one. Or for Mello to be number two. Of for Matt to be number three. As soon as I saw it, though, I knew he was going to hate me. In the short time I'd known him it had become pretty clear to me that Mello hated loosing.

I shuffled up to our shared room, assuming- correctly- that activities for the day would be cancelled. From the end of the hallway I could hear Mello's angry voice "I'm going to kill him" Matt was saying something, presumably soothing, in reply but I was too far away to hear his soft voice. I cared little for Mello's threats, besides I was tired. Ignoring my two roommates I fell right into bed. My acting skills leave much to be desired and I was fooling no one. "You know, I think I might go to the library, it's gotten really cold in here all of a sudden. Coming Matt?" I wasn't a question, it was an order and Matt was a good little soldier.

I have never been bitter about Matt ignoring me on his first day at Wammys nor have I been bitter about his constant following of Mello's orders. I think that's just what Mello does to a person, he moulds them into what he wants and he gets bored quickly. Mello always claims he fell in love with Matt at first sight but I cannot help but question that type of love. I think that for something to work it must develop over days, or weeks, or months or even years. Matt didn't fall in love with Mello the first time they met, he came to love him and his devotion is like nothing I have ever seen. And I feel sorry for him because I don't think that Mello is even capable of the type of love Matt gives him, not anymore.


End file.
